where the days are cold
by ryugazaki
Summary: Haru wakes up one morning and doesn't get out of bed.


I feel like Haru has been through so much - so much loss, so much abandonment - and the fact that he does display some symptoms of depression, I believe like he goes through bouts of it, where he doesn't want to do anything, where he isn't motivated or anything.

And depression never goes away - _trust me_ - so I think even when he's happy and living with Rei, it still happens. Maybe not as often but when it does, it _happens_.

That is this fic.

* * *

Haru wakes up one morning and doesn't get out of bed.

The world is blurry in front of him, the brightness of the sun dulled and the warmth of the summer day doesn't reach him, no, the bed is cold all around him and the loose sheet pooling around his hips doesn't do anything to preserve any heat.

He doesn't bother pulling it up.

His limbs feel a bit heavy, like they're being weighed down by lead and there's a gnawing sensation in his gut every time he attempts to move, so he doesn't. He lies there, watching the birds flutter by the bedroom window through dusty blinds and listens to the heavy traffic below and bustle of the city as it moves past and he doesn't move at all.

He just closes his eyes, shuts out the world and falls back to a dreamless sleep.

* * *

He thinks he should get something to eat.

His stomach is empty and rumbling but every time he thinks about food - _even mackerel, there's some left over in the freezer, he could grill it up_ - the pit in his abdomen grows and makes him nauseous, so he doesn't attempt to motivate himself to get out of bed.

His mind is blank and, even though he has switched positions, staring more at the ceiling - the _boring and vacant_ ceiling that represents what he feels - he's not sure if he really wants to do anything else today. He pushes his face into the pillow besides him, the smell of cinnamon and citrus rushes into his nose and he has to the choke back the tiny sound that builds in his throat.

There's a bare place next to him, the body warmth that had gathered there chilled from the last few hours. He wishes it wasn't, he doesn't want it to empty but there's nothing he can do about it.

So he curls his body up, ignoring the hollow hole fitting itself in his chest and tries to fall back asleep.

* * *

The clock reads that it's nearly two in the afternoon now.

He's been staring at it for a good fifteen minutes, his eyes feel dry and his throat scratchy. He knows he should get up, clean up the apartment, maybe try to make dinner but his body doesn't even feel attached - like it's not there or it's not his and he doesn't know what to do other than just stay where he is and stare at the red, blinking numbers.

He stays in silence, drifting in between not thinking or feeling to having too many thoughts in his head, swirling around and not making sense to him but he doesn't try to sort through them.

He doesn't, he doesn't, _he doesn't try, he doesn't do anything_

And that continues until he turns on his side and tries to stare out the window for a bit longer.

* * *

The next time he wakes up the door is being shut and his name is being called.

He stays quiet, not signaling that he heard or where he's at, just waiting for the bedroom door to creak open and for Rei to poke his head in.

He hears him shuffle from room to room, softly saying his name and Haru buries himself deeper into the bed, into the imprint of his body that lays there and presses his face in the sheets.

He wants him but he doesn't, not to see him like this, even though it's not the first time it's happened but Rei works so hard and so much, with so much stress, he doesn't want him to worry about something else.

"Haruka?"

The tone is gentle but there's a lift of concern at the end of his name and he just sniffs, peeking over the top of the pillow mound they have - _why do they have so many pillows? _ - and gazes blearily at Rei.

Violet eyes stare at him, widen and full of uncertainty and he turns his head away, not wanting to see that. He crumples the sheet in his hand, breathing out shakily when he hears Rei move forward, toward him and the bed.

It dips down, taking Rei's weight as he sits and Haru's body tenses but Rei stays where he is and waits for Haru to turn back to him, to look at _him_.

It's a few seconds of silence - of pure, heavy silence that weighs even more than it did when it was just him.

Rei doesn't say anything though, because he never _says_ anything but Haru can feel the way he shifts on the bed, moving around. It's more moments of silence, hanging in the air between them and Haru doesn't dare look, he stares at the wall beside him - blank and grey.

It isn't long before there's a body next to him and two arms snaking their way across Haru's hips.

Rei sighs into his ear as he settles down into the wrinkled bedding, long legs tangling with Haru's as he tucks him against his chest. Haru breathes deeply, pushing his nose into the crook of Rei's shoulder and smells cinnamon and citrus.

He has to squeeze his eyes shut to stop the new wave of emotions rising, with the way that Rei rubs his cheek against the side of his head and the way he rubs circles into the skin of his hips.

It's always a cycle on these days, when Rei finds Haru curled up on the bed. All he does is lay with him, muttering nonsense things into his ear and trying his best to soothe him. Haru doesn't want to tell him it doesn't help - because these _stupid_ feelings of nothing and everything won't go away, they keep coming back - but he doesn't want Rei to stop doing these things, even if they don't help, because he just wants to be held for a while, as childish as the request sounds and he doesn't know how to say it without feeling silly.

Even though there's a familiar sinking sensation in the deep of his stomach, an unmanageable itch gnawing at his insides, Haru tries to not let it get to him; he tries not to let the tears soak Rei's collar and tries to listen to the quiet murmurs of _it's going to be alright, you're going to be fine, shhh_.

(Because it won't be alright ever. Even if this one ends, another one will pop up soon - whether it be weeks or days or just in a matter of hours - he knows it won't go away and he knows he won't be okay).

He doesn't say anything back though, just grips the fabric of Rei's shirt in his hands and attempts to squash any voice of insecurity.

* * *

It's only lightly edited, I'm sorry if there's any big mistakes!

If you have any suggestions or requests, hit me up on tumblr (reirygazaki)!


End file.
